When I flew out of Portland International Airport before 2023, I usually stayed the night before at an airport hotel that provided free long-term parking and a shuttle to the terminal. It was a good deal and reduced stress.<\/p>\n
But that was before Oregon had to pay for its share of the new Interstate 5 bridge over the Columbia. When the old bridge collapsed, the loss of commerce and reputation hurt the Portland \/ Vancouver area pretty badly. Truly Exalted said the federal government would help with 20 percent of the replacement cost, but only if Oregon and Washington came up with a \u201cterrific\u201d plan to pay the other 80 percent.<\/p>\n
Washington added one percent to their sales tax. Oregon sold the airport to Koch Industries.<\/p>\n
When I tried to\u00a0reserve a room at one of the airport hotels just after Third Inauguration 2025, the Hotel Ivanka was booked for a Mary Kay convention promoting a perfume called \u201cMelania.\u201d<\/i>\u00a0Hotel Donald had\u00a0tripled its rates except for corporate clients, who received a 70 percent discount. Hotel Eric was under extensive renovation after receiving a tax\u00a0credit for coming out of bankruptcy.<\/p>\n
So I was stuck with driving\u00a0for five hours and long-term parking provided at Koch International for my old Taser, the first electric car I could afford. It\u2019s not luxurious, but it\u2019s real quick and I was able to hack the software so I can drive it myself some of the time, at least in rural areas where the Insurance Central\u00a0Safety signal is still weak.<\/p>\n
For the month I planned to be gone, the price for a space in \u201cBlue Safe and Secure Parking\u201d was more than my plane ticket, so I opted to take a shuttle from a space about two miles away in \u201cBrown Open Park.\u201d At least the shuttle waiting room was a Starbucks.<\/p>\n
I bought a Coffee Mega and waited in line\u00a0to buy a shuttle ticket. I had three choices. Actually, I had six. Each of the three shuttle companies had two levels of service,\u00a0but\u00a0it was like they had agreed on what they would offer. The fastest of each took about five minutes to the airport, but it cost $75V in Visa currency guaranteed against inflation. The slowest took\u00a0more than\u00a0an hour and cost $10V.<\/p>\n
At&T\u2019s shuttle kiosk was red, Verizon\u2019s was white, and Comcast\u2019s was blue. I couldn\u2019t afford the faster service, so it really came down to whether I wanted to watch Disney, which Comcast broadcast to passengers through seat-back screen, Fox Real News on Verizon, or an abridged movie on the AT&T shuttle. It was a tough decision and took me a while.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t understand why we have to pay so much to get to the airport in a reasonable amount of time,\u201d I\u00a0muttered to the man waiting behind me wearing a red \u201cWe\u2019re Still Great Again\u201d hat left over from the Third Inaugeration.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have a choice,\u201d he snarled. \u201cWhy don\u2019t you make yours so I can make mine, commie libtard?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not a communist. I was just wondering\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShove it,\u201d he said, pointing at my Lock Him Up t-shirt, and went over to the Comcast line.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard your question and I have the answer,\u201d said a very pretty young woman who looked like she was dressed for a beauty pageant in red, white and blue. She must have been employed by all three carriers.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe prices are what they need to be so we can invest in infrastructure and keep shuttles running on smooth roads,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAren\u2019t these public roads?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, yes, but we have an exclusive license to use them, and we own those licenses. We also have to paint lines on the road to separate the fast and the slow lanes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo if you didn’t have to paint the lines, it wouldn’t cost so much? And why does the slow shuttle take so long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don’t think it works like that,” she said with a look of concern. “The slow shuttle needs to make up for its lower cost to you by carrying municipal passengers to their destinations all over town. It\u2019s just the free market. You believe in the free market, don\u2019t you?\u201d The look of concern now furrowed the thin space between perfectly plucked and painted eyebrows.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, but why is the fast shuttle so expensive?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just answered your own question!! It\u2019s expensive so it can be fast! But the best thing is, you have a choice!\u201d She laughed, flashed a brilliant smile, and gave me a coupon for free coffee sugar.<\/p>\n
I finally bought a ride on AT&T Slow Red and got another coffee so I could use the free sugar coupon. I was looking for a place to sit when a man with an umbrella made eye contact and nodded at an empty chair at his table. When I sat, he moved\u00a0the umbrella\u00a0off\u00a0of a ragged newspaper.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that a newspaper? A real one?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah,\u201d he smiled. \u201cFrom 2019.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMay I look?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, that\u2019s probably not such a good idea.\u00a0It makes a lot of people uncomfortable these days. I like to keep it kind of out of sight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou let me see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, but I heard your conversation with those two, and figured you were safe. It\u2019s not illegal to own a newspaper,\u00a0they just make people\u00a0uneasy and that can lead to awkward situations. By the way, would you like to get to the airport a little sooner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got a ride out there in the parking lot. We can be there in fifteen minutes and it will only cost you $25V.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI already paid for the slow shuttle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you can wait for it, and maybe you won\u2019t miss your plane. The slow shuttles aren\u2019t very dependable, you know. Sometimes they just stop, and they\u2019re never on time. The carriers says its because of congestion, but I think they slow shuttles down so they can sell more tickets on the fast lane.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know. Is it legal to go with you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMostly. If we get hit by Curbies, just say we\u2019re friends and I\u2019m dropping you off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCurbies?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGuys looking for curb bounties. They get a cut of every fine. They\u2019re real good at recognizing cars they\u2019ve seen before, but the Jeep I got now is pretty new, at least to me. It should be okay for a while, then I\u2019ll get it painted again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I said at last, and pulled out my credit card to give him $25V.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, dude, I can\u2019t take those. It\u2019s not like I\u2019ve got a sign on my door.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I suppose,\u201d I said and pulled two worn $20 bills out of my wallet. \u201cGot change?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUm, you know, those might not be worth $25V by the time we get you to the gate. You got any Bitcoin on you?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I flew out of Portland International Airport before 2023, I usually stayed the night before at an airport hotel that provided free long-term parking and a shuttle to the terminal. It was a good deal and reduced stress.<\/p>\n
But that was before Oregon had to pay for its share of the new Interstate 5 bridge over the Columbia. When the old bridge collapsed, the loss of commerce and reputation hurt the Portland \/ Vancouver area pretty badly. Truly Exalted said the federal government would help with 20 percent of the replacement cost, but only if Oregon and \u2026 Read more\u2026