{"id":2802,"date":"2019-09-30T18:00:06","date_gmt":"2019-10-01T01:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2802"},"modified":"2019-10-07T18:01:28","modified_gmt":"2019-10-08T01:01:28","slug":"the-boss","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2802","title":{"rendered":"The Boss"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBoss!\u201d
\n\u201cNot now, Rat,\u201d said Donnie Boastful. He was packing his briefcase with new golf balls to take to his course in Florida. Or New Jersey. He couldn\u2019t remember.
\n\u201cDo you have to call me that?\u201d Rudy the Rat sighed.
\n\u201cNope,\u201d Donnie Boastful said with a smirk. \u201cBut I like to. So I will. I\u2019m president. I can do what I want.\u201d
\n\u201cYou got that right, Boss,\u201d said R the R. \u201cBut I got something else that you want.\u201d
\n\u201cOh yeah?\u201d Donnie was distracted choosing between a pink golf shirt or one that was creamsicle orange. To go with his new tan.
\n\u201cYou know I work with some Ukrainians, right?\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, but I don\u2019t like \u2018em. They tried to help Hillary and they hurt … you know, that guy with the great suits … worked for us for about 10 minutes … I can\u2019t remember his name though… maybe he worked for someone else. Hand me those socks, would ya?\u201d
\n\u201cWow. These are nice!\u201d
\n\u201cI had them made from the wool of just-born lambs. They\u2019re monogrammed before the lamb even comes out, so I won\u2019t feel the thread.\u201d
\n\u201cNice,\u201d said Rudy the R. \u201cHis name was Manafort.\u201d
\n\u201cWho\u2019s name?\u201d
\n\u201cNever mind. Anyways, I was talking to one of my \u201cclients\u201d in Ukraine, and he said he got him some dirt on Biden.\u201d
\n\u201cSlow Joe?!?\u201d
\n\u201cSleepy Joe.\u201d
\n\u201cI want to change it.\u201d
\n\u201cYou can\u2019t. It works.\u201d
\n\u201cI\u2019m president!\u201d
\n\u201cYou is a TV star! They\u2019re always right the first time.\u201d
\n\u201cOh. Yeah. Ok.\u201d
\n\u201cANYWAYS… my Ukrainian says Biden stopped an investigation into his son working for a corrupt oligarch!\u201d
\n\u201cSo? What\u2019s wrong with that? If Ivanka ever got in trouble, not that she would, or even could, I mean, if she wasn\u2019t my daughter I\u2019d…\u201d
\n\u201cBOSS! We can paint your opponent with this shit until the election! We\u2019ll just say it\u2019s corruption, don\u2019t matter if it is or not. We just say it over and over and over and over and over and…\u201d
\n\u201cRat!\u201d
\n\u201cSorry boss.\u201d
\n\u201cIs it true? Can your guy be trusted?\u201d
\n\u201cSince when does that matter? He\u2019s the guy Biden got fired for not going after corruption. We just say he got fired because he WAS going after corruption. After Biden\u2019s son! Nobody\u2019ll know the difference!\u201d
\n\u201cHey, that\u2019s pretty good.\u201d
\n\u201cMy Ukrainian guy also said it was Hillary\u2019s people who got the Ukrainians to spill the beans on Manafort. AND, get this, he says Ukrainians have Hillary\u2019s email server!\u201d
\n\u201cOooooohhh, I\u2019d like to get my hands on that. The server, I mean, not…\u201d Donnie Boastful shuddered. \u201cWhere\u2019s Melania? You seen her? Feels like I haven\u2019t seen her in years! Probably hanging out with son of hers.\u201d
\n\u201cYours?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat are you sayin\u2019 there, Rat?\u201d
\n\u201cYirz. That\u2019s the nickname of my Ukrainian guy. You want I should dig up some more on this?\u201d
\n\u201cThe Ukraine\u2019s just had an election, didn\u2019t they? Elected some anti-corruption funny man or sumpthin\u2019? That might make it tough to make up some dirt. We got any leverage?\u201d
\n\u201cThe new guy they elected wants some weapons to defend his country against the Russians. We could maybe, you know, scratch his back if he\u2019ll scratch ours.\u201d
\n\u201cRat, you know I don\u2019t like to be touched. You washed your hands before you touch my socks, right?\u201d
\n\u201cAlways. In my line of work, especially for you, I have to wash my hands all the time.\u201d
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d Donnie Boastful asked.
\n\u201cJust that you\u2019re the cleanest president in the history of the world!\u201d Rudy the Rat smiled, twitching at the same time.
\n\u201cUniverse. Cleanest in the history of the universe, even before that, before the universe had history, I was the cleanest!\u201d said President Donnie Boastful.
\n\u201cYou bet you are,\u201d said Rudy the R.
\n\u201cWhat were you sayin\u2019 about that Ukrainian guy? He is friends with Russians? So am I! Am I ever! You know how many apartments they bought from me? Paid a premium too, paid twice what they were worth if I didn\u2019t tell anybody it was them or where they got the money.\u201d
\n\u201cNo he\u2019s afraid of the Russians. The Russians want his country.\u201d
\n\u201cWhy doesn\u2019t he just sell it to them? He could be a rich man. Not as rich as me, but … \u201d
\n\u201cI don\u2019t think you can sell a country anymore,\u201d said Rudy the Rat.
\n\u201cOh yeah? I kinda had my eye on Greenland. Who owns Greenland, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cBoss!\u201d
\u201cNot now, Rat,\u201d said Donnie Boastful. He was packing his briefcase with new golf balls to take to his course in Florida. Or New Jersey. He couldn\u2019t remember.
\u201cDo you have to call me that?\u201d Rudy the Rat sighed.
\u201cNope,\u201d Donnie Boastful said with a smirk. \u201cBut I like to. So I will. I\u2019m president. I can do what I want.\u201d
\u201cYou got that right, Boss,\u201d said R the R. \u201cBut I got something else that you want.\u201d
\u201cOh yeah?\u201d Donnie was distracted choosing between a pink golf shirt or one \u2026 Read more\u2026 → <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2802","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3mcOb-Jc","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2802","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2802"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2802\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2803,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2802\/revisions\/2803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2802"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2802"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2802"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}