{"id":2806,"date":"2019-10-07T01:03:48","date_gmt":"2019-10-07T08:03:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2806"},"modified":"2019-10-07T18:07:57","modified_gmt":"2019-10-08T01:07:57","slug":"the-leash","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2806","title":{"rendered":"The leash"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, may I have a minute of your time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly Barr! You can have more than a minute any time, Billy. Come on in, you know how to approach my desk, right? Have I told you what a great job you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you Mr. President, I\u2019m just doing my job.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re doing it greatly! That\u2019s what I just said! You spun Meuller Mutt until he corkscrewed into the ground, you\u2019re investigating England and Italy for traitors who said the Russians helped me win the election, when everybody KNOWS it was my own stable genius \u2026 and you\u2019re wiping out the Bidens with investigations in Ukraine and China \u2026 you da man, Billy Barr! Well, you would be da man except I\u2019m da man. You know that, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Donnie Boastful sat up higher behind his desk so he could throw a keen glance down at the Attorney General of the United States of America.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, I wanted to talk to you about \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSay it.\u201d Donnie Boastful clasped his little hands together, and hunched his shoulders. His mouth turned down into a determined tight little frown, a sign that he was going to hold his breath until he turned blue, or start saying very mean things.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry sir, but it\u2019s important that we \u2026 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cSay it, Billy.\u201d<\/p>\n

William Barr, Attorney General of the United States of America, long regarded as a man of ability and essential integrity, looked down at his hands resting on his thighs. The deep jowls that gave his face the slight look of a bloodhound fell forward as he made the inevitable decision.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou da man, Mr. President,\u201d he mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, William, I didn\u2019t quite catch that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou da man, Mr. President,\u201d William Barr said in a much louder and clearer voice while looking up at the president, who he could barely see behind the edge of the huge desk.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you, Attorney General Barr. This is what you\u2019ve been saying all along, right? That whole thing about being a ‘Unitary President?’ That means ‘I\u2019m da man?’ \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell sir, not you so much as the office. Under the \u201cstrong unitary executive\u201d theory, a president has more authority than is normally recognized by those who favor the weak unitary executive \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr. President.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re doing that thing again. What\u2019s that on the carpet right there? Under your right knee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBesides what looks like the shadow of Jeff Sessions burned into the fibers? An eagle clutching golf clubs \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cArrows. We threw out the one with golf clubs. That\u2019s not the point. What\u2019s the whole thing, the whole picture?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, if I could stand up sir, it would be easier for me to see.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. Stay. It\u2019s the seal. The presidential seal,\u201d said Donnie Boastful.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes sir, I see that now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo we call it the ‘executive seal?’ \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo sir, we do not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd who is president?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are, sire. I mean, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, I\u2019m president, and you are helping me by promoting the strong president theory, and that means I can pretty much say who does what, is that right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the executive branch, yes it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo don\u2019t make this so complicated. I\u2019m the president, chief executive officer of this corporation, I mean company, I mean country. I hired you, I can fire you, and I can tell you what to do. Just like I did on my TV show. Is that the strong executive theory? It is if I say it is, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat would be a possible interpretation, Mr. President.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly, can\u2019t you just say, \u2018Yes, Mr. President?\u2019 It would be so much easier.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt would be under certain circumstances \u2026\u201d Attorney General Barr mumbled.<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly? William?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr President?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s much better. You can go, now. As you crawl to the door, would you keep an eye out for a contact lens? Ivanka lost one this morning as we were having coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Mr. President.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI think you\u2019ve got this, Mr. Attorney General. And again, good work on throwing more shade on that Russian influence hoax. And I don\u2019t know who put what in Sanders’ water bottle, and don\u2019t you tell me \u2014 I don\u2019t wanna know. Remember, all I said was he could become a problem, know what I mean? That heart attack was really smart, though! Stick a fork in him, he\u2019s done!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, sir, can we talk about you demanding impeachment for U.S. Senators and Congressmen who disagree with you? That\u2019s not really under your authority \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean Reject Romney and Shifty Schiff and Nancy Nonsense? They are not showing me the respect, Billy. They\u2019re hurting me, which means they\u2019re hurting America. Which means they\u2019re traitors, Billy, and I want you to investigate them for high crimes and misdemeanors. Get the goods and then we\u2019ll impeach \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, we can\u2019t impeach them, and certainly not for expressing an opinion \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly, strong unitary president \u2026 did you forget? Hey, I\u2019ve got to go. I have a 1 p.m. tee time out at Trump International with the owners of two NFL teams, AND, I\u2019m making them pick up the tab for lunch and greens fees! I think I’ll charge them double.”<\/p>\n

“Mr. President, you can’t profit from \u2026 ”<\/p>\n

“Oh, Billy, don’t worry so much! They can afford it, and I gave them a little quid for their quo pro when those players were kneeling and disrespecting Amerika. Not kneeling like you are, but in a dishonorable way.”<\/p>\n

“Mr. President, sir, may I ask you something? Why do you make me kneel when I come in here? You don’t make Rudy kneel, and he’s a lawyer.”<\/p>\n

“Respect, Bill. It’s a matter of respect. I respect you more than Rudy.”<\/p>\n

“I don’t understand.”<\/p>\n

“Whenever I deal with someone that deep down inside I fear might be smarter than me, better than me somehow, I have to abuse them, tear ’em down, humiliate ’em. It’s how I prove that I’m superior. It’s not that hard to understand.<\/p>\n

“Hey, if you find that contact lens, leave it on Pence\u2019s desk. He\u2019ll run it over to Ivanka.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, may I have a minute of your time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBilly Barr! You can have more than a minute any time, Billy. Come on in, you know how to approach my desk, right? Have I told you what a great job you\u2019re doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you Mr. President, I\u2019m just doing my job.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re doing it greatly! That\u2019s what I just said! You spun Meuller Mutt until he corkscrewed into the ground, you\u2019re investigating England and Italy for traitors who said the Russians helped me win the election, when everybody KNOWS it was my own stable genius \u2026 Read more\u2026 → <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2806","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3mcOb-Jg","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2806"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2808,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806\/revisions\/2808"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2806"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2806"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2806"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}