{"id":2817,"date":"2019-10-15T11:34:53","date_gmt":"2019-10-15T18:34:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2817"},"modified":"2019-10-15T11:54:10","modified_gmt":"2019-10-15T18:54:10","slug":"what-are-friends-for","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/?p=2817","title":{"rendered":"What are friends for?"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDaddy!\u201d<\/p>\n

Donnie Boastful was at his desk in the Oval Office trying to solve the Tik Tok Toe game in the \u201cWashington Times.\u201d Normally he wouldn\u2019t tolerate an interruption, but it was Ivanka, and, well \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat can I do for you, you gloriously amazing most wonderful human (from my loins) who ever graced this planet earth in the history of time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDaddy, they say I should give back my China trademarks that I got after our wonderful trip there last summer! Because that bad Biden boy had to quit his job on a China board of directors!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIvanka, sweetest and most lovely creature who ever walked the world, what have I always told you since you were a tall, willowy young female of immense beauty?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat if I wasn\u2019t your daughter\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know! I know! You said to never tell the truth! That it just confuses people!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s true, it does. But I was thinking of something else. It\u2019s about \u2018rules.\u2019 \u201c<\/p>\n

\u201cI know! Rules are for other people! We Trumps do what we want!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right! So the bad Biden boy has to resign, but you and Don Jr., and that other boy in the family don\u2019t have to do anything you don\u2019t want to do. That\u2019s just the way it works.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, Daddy, thank you!\u201d Ivanka ran over to his desk and took both his small hands in hers and held them tightly to his side while she gave Donnie Boastful a peck on the cheek.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, hi Uncle Rudy!\u201d She sang out as she left and Rudy the Rat walked in.<\/p>\n

\u201cHi, Ivanka,\u201d Rudy said. \u201cBoss, I think we got a problem, two of my men got busted as they were leaving the country.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, Rat, \u2018we got a problem?\u2019\u00a0 <\/span>Didn\u2019t you just say they were \u2018your\u2019 men?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, they gave a lot of money to your campaign.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA lot of people gave a lot of money to my campaign. I couldn\u2019t possibly know all of them. Or any of them. By the way, now would be a good time to ask: Are you still my lawyer?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course! I just said so on TV!\u00a0 Some wise guy reporter asked if I was working for the government in Ukraine, and I said, ‘No, I work for the President!’ \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou could have said yes, because I\u2019m the President and working for me is working for America. Say, did you see Lou Dobbs? He said that I fulfilled yet another campaign promise getting us out of the Middle East, that pulling out was a brilliant, seventh level chess move.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t see the Dobbs show today, but I\u2019m supposed to go on it tomorrow again. Sheesh, I think I\u2019ve been on Fox 17 tines this month!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRat, don\u2019t start thinking you\u2019re a star. I\u2019m Prime Time Donnie, capiche?”<\/p>\n

\u201cI work for you, Mr. America.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat answer. I\u2019ve got a press conference in 20 minutes and have to pretend to slap that guy from Turkey around for roughing up the Kurds. I\u2019m gonna say I\u2019m thinking about destroying his economy, and that I\u2019m going to have conversation on what to do about it. I might send a team over to Turkey. I\u2019ll have them stay in the Trump Twin Towers. It\u2019s the most spectacular hotel in Istanbul!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s brilliant, Boss. All those people whining about the Kurds. What do they know? What did the Kurds do for us? They’re just in the whey. We made the Kurds some promises \u2026 so what, promises are made to be broken, right? This is Trumpworld, right? Just ask them people who built your hotels in Atlantic City!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, didn\u2019t the Kurds read my book? Hellooooo?! They been fighting for so many years over there, it\u2019s easy for them!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho really cares, Boss? Just those people who talk about honor like it’s something you can spend!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right, Rat. And it got that impeachment hoax off TV for a whole week! That\u2019s not the reason we\u2019re clearing out of the Middle East, though. I wouldn\u2019t do sumthin’ like that just to change the subject or nothing, right?! It\u2019s because I promised my base!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you keep your promises, Mr. President. Even if Lindsey Graham yesterday said kinda sorta not the nicest thing about what you did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLay Down Lindsey? He\u2019s just providing a little cover for himself. He\u2019ll fall in line. Vladimir told me he\u2019s got dirt on Lindsey and if I have any trouble, I just need to give Vlad the word. Besides, so what if we pull out of the Middle East? What difference is it going to make? Let them solve their own problems over there! Maybe it\u2019ll disappoint a couple of people, but who cares?\u201d<\/p>\n

The intercom on the desk in the Oval Office buzzed.<\/p>\n

\u201cMr. President, the prime minister of Israel is on Line 1. He says it\u2019s urgent.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Rat, would you mind using the back door as you leave? I\u2019m not sure we want that a lot of people see you\u2019re still around.<\/p>\n

\u201cBibi! How you doin’? How’s things in Jerusalem? You know that\u2019s one of my favorite places, right? I think you need a Trump Towers Jerusalem, Bibi, has a nice ring to it, don\u2019t it? It should go right on the beach. Maybe we can do a deal. Hey, sorry I didn\u2019t get back to sooner, it\u2019s been a little hectic around here, maybe you heard \u2026 \u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Erik Dolson<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cDaddy!\u201d<\/p>\n

Donnie Boastful was at his desk in the Oval Office trying to solve the Tik Tok Toe game in the \u201cWashington Times.\u201d Normally he wouldn\u2019t tolerate an interruption, but it was Ivanka, and, well \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat can I do for you, you gloriously amazing most wonderful human (from my loins) who ever graced this planet earth in the history of time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDaddy, they say I should give back my China trademarks that I got after our wonderful trip there last summer! Because that bad Biden boy had to quit his job \u2026 Read more\u2026 → <\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7,1],"tags":[607,610,611,609,608,445],"class_list":["post-2817","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-out-my-window","category-uncategorized","tag-corrupt","tag-graft","tag-impeachment","tag-kurds","tag-syria","tag-trump"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3mcOb-Jr","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2817","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2817"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2817\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2826,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2817\/revisions\/2826"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2817"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2817"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erikdolson.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2817"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}