By Erik Dolson
“The only people you can trust are those looking after their own interests,” Donnie Boastful thought as he looked for his tanning goggles. He wasn’t lonely, just without without friends. Even suckup Roger the Rock was reluctant to pick up the phone since he was on trial.
“Where’s my Roy Cohn?” Donnie wondered, as he often did.
He thought about calling Rudy the Rat, who had become something of a pet. But Rudy was spending so much time on TV contradicting himself that even Donnie couldn’t tell where he stood.
“By you,” Rudy told him when asked. Donnie liked that, though it made him a bit squeamish. But at least rats were better than dogs.
Donnie needed somebody else to help with this Ukraine project. That nasty woman, the ambassador to Ukraine, she was bad news. She had experience, training, and worst of all, ethics. She balked at trading weapons for Biden dirt. Rudy said he’d heard she wouldn’t play ball, so Donnie decided to give her a carreer change.
She didn’t get it. How do you clean up corruption if you can’t make a few payoffs?! That’s how it always worked in Donnie’s world. Dangle a promise and then screw the other guy. “Where is my Roy Cohn?” Donnie wondered again.
That guy “Rain Man,” might be good. Donnie could trust the Rain Man, he had hotels and plenty of money in Seattle, but like any goodfella, he wanted “more.” Donnie knew that a hint or two that he might buy or sell a few hotels, or refer a few good Russian “clients” looking for a way to make dark money bright green, would earn Rain Man’s loyalty.
And hey, if a deal didn’t work out, Donnie could say he didn’t like the Pacific Northwest, it rained too much, the people there didn’t like him and the feeling was mutual.
But Rain Man had coughed up a cool million for the inauguration, the biggest inauguration in the history of the world. As a small thank you, Donnie had made him “Ambassador to the European Union.” Rain Man didn’t have any experience, but Donnie knew that ambassadors didn’t do anything, not really. The European Union was close to Ukraine. Rain Man could just walk over the border and deliver a message.
Donnie wanted to send a message to Ukraine: Play ball with Donnie, find Biden dirt, and then you can come to the White House and Donnie would send his very own anti-tank weapons over so Ukraine could keep the Russians from taking the rest of the country.
That’s what his Roy Cohn would do.
Donnie worried for a minute if he should check in with Putin on that. Putin’s friends buy a lot of condos at inflated prices, and Putin owns a bit of Donnie debt he took off the hands of that German Bank. Maybe a call to his Kremlin Kompatriot might be a good idea, just to find out where things stand.
Donnie would use his iPhone, so those eavesdropping traitors at the NSA, CIA, and FBI wouldn’t be able to listen in.