By Erik Dolson
“Not now, Rat,” said Donnie Boastful. He was packing his briefcase with new golf balls to take to his course in Florida. Or New Jersey. He couldn’t remember.
“Do you have to call me that?” Rudy the Rat sighed.
“Nope,” Donnie Boastful said with a smirk. “But I like to. So I will. I’m president. I can do what I want.”
“You got that right, Boss,” said R the R. “But I got something else that you want.”
“Oh yeah?” Donnie was distracted choosing between a pink golf shirt or one that was creamsicle orange. To go with his new tan.
“You know I work with some Ukrainians, right?”
“Yeah, but I don’t like ‘em. They tried to help Hillary and they hurt … you know, that guy with the great suits … worked for us for about 10 minutes … I can’t remember his name though… maybe he worked for someone else. Hand me those socks, would ya?”
“Wow. These are nice!”
“I had them made from the wool of just-born lambs. They’re monogrammed before the lamb even comes out, so I won’t feel the thread.”
“Nice,” said Rudy the R. “His name was Manafort.”
“Never mind. Anyways, I was talking to one of my “clients” in Ukraine, and he said he got him some dirt on Biden.”
“I want to change it.”
“You can’t. It works.”
“You is a TV star! They’re always right the first time.”
“Oh. Yeah. Ok.”
“ANYWAYS… my Ukrainian says Biden stopped an investigation into his son working for a corrupt oligarch!”
“So? What’s wrong with that? If Ivanka ever got in trouble, not that she would, or even could, I mean, if she wasn’t my daughter I’d…”
“BOSS! We can paint your opponent with this shit until the election! We’ll just say it’s corruption, don’t matter if it is or not. We just say it over and over and over and over and over and…”
“Is it true? Can your guy be trusted?”
“Since when does that matter? He’s the guy Biden got fired for not going after corruption. We just say he got fired because he WAS going after corruption. After Biden’s son! Nobody’ll know the difference!”
“Hey, that’s pretty good.”
“My Ukrainian guy also said it was Hillary’s people who got the Ukrainians to spill the beans on Manafort. AND, get this, he says Ukrainians have Hillary’s email server!”
“Oooooohhh, I’d like to get my hands on that. The server, I mean, not…” Donnie Boastful shuddered. “Where’s Melania? You seen her? Feels like I haven’t seen her in years! Probably hanging out with son of hers.”
“What are you sayin’ there, Rat?”
“Yirz. That’s the nickname of my Ukrainian guy. You want I should dig up some more on this?”
“The Ukraine’s just had an election, didn’t they? Elected some anti-corruption funny man or sumpthin’? That might make it tough to make up some dirt. We got any leverage?”
“The new guy they elected wants some weapons to defend his country against the Russians. We could maybe, you know, scratch his back if he’ll scratch ours.”
“Rat, you know I don’t like to be touched. You washed your hands before you touch my socks, right?”
“Always. In my line of work, especially for you, I have to wash my hands all the time.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Donnie Boastful asked.
“Just that you’re the cleanest president in the history of the world!” Rudy the Rat smiled, twitching at the same time.
“Universe. Cleanest in the history of the universe, even before that, before the universe had history, I was the cleanest!” said President Donnie Boastful.
“You bet you are,” said Rudy the R.
“What were you sayin’ about that Ukrainian guy? He is friends with Russians? So am I! Am I ever! You know how many apartments they bought from me? Paid a premium too, paid twice what they were worth if I didn’t tell anybody it was them or where they got the money.”
“No he’s afraid of the Russians. The Russians want his country.”
“Why doesn’t he just sell it to them? He could be a rich man. Not as rich as me, but … ”
“I don’t think you can sell a country anymore,” said Rudy the Rat.
“Oh yeah? I kinda had my eye on Greenland. Who owns Greenland, anyway?”